Before You Expect Others to Change

The next time you find yourself wanting, needing, or expecting someone to change their behavior, pause for a moment and turn that same question toward yourself.

How Hard It Is to Change

It is incredibly hard for human beings to change. For most of us, changing ourselves simply by looking at ourselves—through willpower, reflection, or self-critique—is very hard, almost impossible at times.

If it’s that difficult to change our own behavior, how realistic is it to expect another person to change theirs just because we want them to?

Expectations and Our Own Behavior

When you notice your expectations about others, ask:

• What am I really asking this person to do?
• Would I be able to do that myself?
• How often do I actually succeed in changing my own patterns?

Even just reflecting on your expectations of others can start to shift your own behavior.

Why We Avoid These Questions

We tend to shy away from questions like this. Maybe it’s built into our psychology, maybe it’s in our genes—but these are difficult questions to answer honestly.

Still, they’re worth sitting with. They’re worth pondering deeply and carefully, without prejudice—toward others or toward yourself.